An American Hero

By Scott Hill Bumgardner

Oh, the joy of a new child. I remember the feeling of pride as I looked upon my first beautiful baby. Though they slide into the world all red with swollen features, we find them all precious and pretty. In no time at all we are oohing and aahing over them while trying to decide which parent they favor. Families sit on pins and needles awaiting the blessed day.

It was that way on the cold April day in the 1880s at the Lazy B ranch, as the Roberts clan waited for their new family member. Doc Hill had to drive half the evening from Buffalo Gap to make it in time to help. Ma was having a hard time in her labor, but finally the child was ready to make his entrance. He began to emerge backwards. First two perfectly formed feet, then nice long legs, a cute little torso with evidence that it was a boy, and then a pause before his head came free.

With a loud pop his head jumped free of it’s trap and his dad who had been gazing on with loving eyes fainted dead away. Doc Hill gave a shriek and hopped back as he held the ugliest looking child he had ever even dreamed of delivering. We are not just talking a little newborn ugly; we are talking world class ugly. The kiddo looked worse than the working end of a mangy bulldog, and I ain’t saying which end that would be they both look about the same to me. With apologies Doc left as quickly as he could.

Well the poor child was destined to bear this burden, but he would be loved and admired as a hero. His early years were much like those of any other ranch-raised kid. By the time he was three, Edward was riding with his five brothers helping to round up the cattle. From his earliest days he wore one of his dad’s old hats pulled down low over his head, with just his eyes, nose, and chin sticking out. When he was six he rode to the little one room schoolhouse to begin his education.

Seated on the front row, he was nervous about what this new experience would be like. Miss Blake was about to get things started, when she noticed that Edward had rudely kept his hat on while in her school. With a touch of acid in her voice she said, “Young man it is impolite to wear a hat inside, take it off!” Edward certainly did not want to be impolite and was always very obedient, so he quickly pulled it off. A gasp shot through the little room as all of the kids saw his terribly ugly condition. For there before them were ears the size of lettuce leaves jutting straight out from the sides of poor Edwards head. They seemed to be firm and vibrated from the sudden exposure. Even Miss Blake was shocked as she swiftly put her hand to her heart and stood up.

As the kids got over their initial shock they began to giggle and point. Poor Edward was so embarrassed, he glowed bright red. Nothing could have glowed any brighter than those ears. Finally Miss Blake regained her composure and settled the kids down. She told Edward that it would be all right for him to wear his hat after all. Eventually everyone got used to this weird looking child, and he grew up with a normal rural lifestyle. Over the years he also became quite a cowboy and outdoorsman.

As a young man he often helped his dad when they went hunting and proved to be a great scout. His ears were so sensitive he could hear the deer breathing in the brush. This sensitivity was a bit of a problem though. The guns were just too loud so he was never a shooter. He even plugged his ears with corn cobs when he was anywhere near the shooting. At about the same age he discovered another problem, while working the cattle. When he was riding lickety split after a cow or calf, if his hat blew off, his ears would catch the wind and he would be blown right out of the saddle. Edward’s fantastic hearing and his ear’s wind stopping abilities both became vital tools for his future success.

About the time Edward completed his education he heard of the bandit raids that were occurring in south Texas. Feeling it was time for him to paddle his own canoe he rode to San Antone to enlist in the Army. After asking around he sought out General Pershing in the Buckhorn Saloon. As the General was sipping a cool beverage, Edward approached him and asked for a job. The General put his drink down and looked Edward over. He saw a strong well built and bronzed Texan with a strange hat pulled low over his head. General Pershing said, “Son you have the look of an outdoorsman and I like that, but take that hat off so I can get a good look at you.”

Being ever willing to please, Edward pulled his hat off, setting his giant ears free. Shocked by the sudden springing forth of this strange site the General jumped back, knocking over his drink. A moment later, the General began to say that he did not think Edward could be Army material, but then he paused and asked if Edward could hear well. Edward responded that he could hear a mouse in the grass at more than a hundred yards. Edwards wish was granted as Pershing said he would hire him as a civilian scout. This was to begin his long a glorious career as a scout.

Within a week the troop rode into Mexico looking for Pancho Villa and other bandits that had dared to attack America. Those magically powerful ears of Edwards saved the soldiers from several traps and helped the soldiers capture many an outlaw. After traveling down many treacherous trails it finally came time to return home. When he mustered out he discovered that the newspapers had talked of his feats and he was suddenly considered a hero back home.

The Rangers sought him out to give him a chance to continue capturing crooks. He even started a family and became a father of a perfectly normal boy. After several years of work to protect our home front, Edward heard of the terrible European war and the call for men to join the Army.

Riding to San Antone he again sought out a job with the Army. But, before he could sign up he saw his first aero-plane. He approached the pilot who was about to climb into the cockpit and asked a number of questions. As the pilot responded he recognized Edward and asked if he would like to go for a ride. Edward was tickled pink and quickly jumped into the offered seat. He was thrilled with the flight and the aerobatics they performed.

While making a loop, Edward’s hat flew off and his ears leaped forward to grab the wind, sucking Edward out of the cockpit. Edward was falling from the sky at a terrible rate when again those ears caught the wind and kind of inflated, slowing his descent. Amazed, Edward held his head at the proper angle and slowly returned to the ground.

Not only was Edward amazed with his survival, but so was the Army brass who had watched in wonder. With his scouting background Edward was soon at work protecting the troops and listening in on the enemy. After a long time of intensive language courses, Edward was flown across the front lines, where he would bail out of the plane to scout and spy on the enemy. When he wasn’t leaping into enemy territory he was listening for approaching troops and planes. All things considered Edward was kind of a prototype combination of the first radar, CIA, and paratrooper.

Many honors and medals were awarded to Edward, even the Purple Heart. His final jump from a plane resulted in a bullet hole in the ear, which threw his aerodynamics off, causing an out of control spin that almost resulted in his death. With the laurels of victory and nagging injuries he returned to his family and the slow paced life of a west Texas rancher.

During the big round ups Edward began cooking at the chuckwagon. Some of the younger hands were natural jokers and from time to time would pull off his strange hat to watch those ears jump out and wiggle in the breeze. To solve this prank, Edward hunted up a little ole rattler and tied it around the crown of his hat like a hatband. This sure worked well to keep anyone from messing with his hat. While in Buffalo Gap to pick up supplies, Edward tipped his hat to some ladies on the board sidewalk. This polite act proved to be the end of Edward, as that little rattler bit him in the wrist.

The funeral was larger than anyone in this area could have ever imagined. Folk came from all over the country to honor the man who had helped save so many lives in war. An Army Band even played a funeral dirge. His family had a large heart shaped marble headstone placed on the grave. It can still be seen in the country cemetery just outside of Buffalo Gap. Over the years though it has changed as the cattle have rubbed on it enough to wear away the lower sides. Now the heart looks more like Edward’s head with those huge ears unfurled. Stop and have a look some time, it is marked simply, Edward Albert Roberts, Sr., American Hero.